9/11 Truthers: We've Sheen it All

In the wake of Charlie Sheen's masturbatory fake interview with Barack Obama, and the "resignation" (read: firing before he makes the administration look bad) of Van Jones, the "Green Czar" who signed a 9/11 Truther petition, I'd like to say a few words to the Truthers, and address their concerns as follows.

Just how f--king stupid are you people?

Let's see, what's your little theory again? Oh yeah...somehow, the Bush Administration, within less than a year of taking office, manage to plant dozens of explosive devices within the World Trade Center. Then they manage to hire Al Qaeda, give them CIA training, have them take over four commercial flights (or, according to some theorists, stage these flights with empty planes), and plow them into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon (why no explosive devices there? The plane hit, it just didn't do as much damage) and the White House (this plane managed to be brought down by the fake passengers).

The explosives went off as the planes hit, just to ensure that the buildings really would fall, because, as everyone knows, a giant motherf--ker of an airplane wouldn't be able to do the job by itself.

The goal of the administration was to blame Iraq, or the middle-east in general, and use this as a means to secure the country's approval of going to war. The war, essentially, was for oil. But then, even the oil was a means to an end. Apparently they would use the oil to effectively take over the world.

Now, I know a Truther would probably say, after reading what I just wrote, "Well, when you put it that way, it sounds stupid."

To that, I would respond, paraphrasing Red Foreman of That 70's Show, "Okay. Say it so it doesn't sound stupid."

Every time I hear these idiots spouting these insane conspiracy theories, I just have to shake my head. Apparently these people have no idea that they sound just like the tin-foil-hat-wearing, aliens-are-coming-for-us crowd.

They say things like "All you have to do is connect the dots of who profits the most from this..." without realizing that they're not just connecting the dots but inventing them.

They say that 9/11 was concocted in order to free up the Bush administration to begin dismantling our constitutional rights. How many rights were taken away during Bush's administration again? Oh, that's right; NONE. It always makes me laugh when people freely talk about the "criminal" Bush administration "taking our rights away" and "trying to silence us" and never see the irony that nobody has come to lead these people away in handcuffs. They're still free to speak their slander, and never seem to understand that if it wasn't actually slander, they wouldn't be free to speak it!

Now, the thing is, all one really has to do is sit down and think about things for a moment, after first removing their Bush-hatred goggles, to realize that there's no way 9/11 could have been a massive conspiracy. But that's the problem. These people start with open hatred of Bush. How on earth can we be expected to believe that they're bi-partisan, open-minded intellectuals who are just smart enough to see the big picture, when they clearly are bringing their presuppositions to the table with them?

See, to them, Bush, Cheney and the rest represent the ultimate in Evil White Men. They are the rich elitists (of course, all Republicans are rich money-grubbers, while all Democrats are hard-working wage slaves), and they are consumed by the need to make themselves richer. That's all they want; money and power. Once you assume that it's impossible for them to have pure intent; that they never do anything unless it profits them directly and allows them to take more control, it becomes entirely believable that they could stage an event like 9/11.

Gee, and people say the Obama Birthers movement is crazy. Obama could shut the birthers up in two seconds. So why hasn't he?

Now, once you remove the idea that Bush is automatically to blame for all that's wrong with the world, you start to notice several gaping holes in the 9/11 Truth idea. And what's funny is, not believing in the Truther movement doesn't mean you have to like Bush! You can still hate him for all the other reasons you hate him; why the need to manufacture a conspiracy as shoddy as this one is?

Here are the key problems:

1. Bush is either an idiot, or an evil genius, but he can't be both. The same people who claim that Bush is too dumb to read, or tie his shoes, apparently want you to believe that he can come up with this foolproof plan, and actually convince some people of its veracity!

2. "Okay, so Bush is an idiot, but he didn't plan 9/11! He was just the puppet; the fall guy. The men behind 9/11 are Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove." Using that logic, we have three men who apparently were able to destroy two very tall buildings, set up terrorists as the fall guys, decide to invade Iraq on the principle that they have weapons of mass destruction, and in all that planning never think to themselves "You know, we'd better go plant some WMD's over there, just in case he really doesn't have any." I find it impossible to believe that men capable of planning and successfully executing 9/11 were totally unable to plant evidence. That would have been child's play to men like that.

3. However smart they might be, their plan didn't work. The country did not unite in a single voice declaring for war. Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rove are no closer to controlling the world than they were in 2000. And, despite the fact that they supposedly concocted this scheme on their own, you know they couldn't have acted alone because there's no way they could have rigged up those fake planes and explosives all by themselves. They would have had hundreds of lackeys, lackeys that for eight years watched as their plan was revealed by the Truthers, and watched as the families of their victims eulogized them tearfully...and not a one of them blew the whistle. Folks, a cover-up this size cannot possible have gone on this long without a whistle-blower. You think everyone who worked on this scheme was so completely devoid of conscience that they would cling to this lie eight years later despite the fact that A) their plan didn't work and B) the Truthers have seen through them and exposed their plan for what it is.

Now let's talk about the supposed explosives that were used. According to some Truthers, there was nano-thermite dust found in the rubble from the collapsed buildings, which is an explosive device. This despite the fact that no official source has ever confirmed that this was indeed thermite residue. In fact, all the discussion about thermite has come from pictures of the scene during cleanup. This site illustrates the idiocy of the entire thermite theory, but I'll boil it down for you to the most common-sense deduction:

Thermite is an explosive device, but a four-pound blob isn't enough to explode a car battery. Therefore, you would need tons of the stuff, nearly as much as the building itself weighs, to destroy the WTC with it.

Then there's the problem of: how did it get there? And how did it sit there for weeks on end (as claimed by the Truthers) and fail to be discovered by maintenance workers? Apparently, the maintenance workers in the WTC are unobservant enough to not only not notice several strange maintenance workers who were never there before suddenly lurking everywhere, but to not notice tons and tons of strange chemical wrapped all around the support columns once these mysterious workers had disappeared.

All in all, I'd say that there are only two reasons to ever believe the 9/11 "Truth"; you're certifiable, or you hate Bush so much that you'll believe anything as long as he's the villain of the piece.

If you belong in the former category...well, then frankly there's no point in talking to you further.

But if you belong in the second category, I find it really sad that you cannot disagree, even disagree vehemently, with a politician without turning him into the embodiment of evil. You remind me of a poster I saw of Stalin, with a caption underneath saying "I killed 20 million of my own people, but ask an American college student who the worst leader in the world is, and all I hear about is this Bush guy."