I Am a Liberal

I am a modern American liberal.

I am liberal because I believe in tolerance. I'm so tolerant that I hate hearing intolerance coming from anyone, and I refuse to tolerate anyone who does not conform to my standard of tolerance. My standard of tolerance is me. If you disagree with anything that I, a picture of tolerance, have to say, then by definition you are intolerant, and I cannot tolerate you.

I am a liberal because I believe in freedom of speech. I believe that anyone who agrees with me on every issue should be free to speak as much as they want, wherever they want, and use as much inflamatory language as they want. After all, it's a free country. If you don't agree with me about everything, however, you are intolerant, and should not be free to speak a word.

I am a liberal because I believe in freedom of expression. I believe that any attempt to censor freedom of expression is inherently evil, and those who side with it should not be free to express themselves. That includes anyone who believes in traditional ideas like Christianity, capitalism, marriage, or family.

I am a liberal because I believe the word "marriage" has no true meaning. Marriage is about love, and nothing else, and any people who love each other should be able to express that love by getting married. Be it a man and a woman, two men, two women, a brother and sister, etc., I say, let's give them all equal marriage rights! I'm so committed to dulling the meaning of the word "marriage" that I don't even care that across the country gay men and women have all the same rights and benefits extended to all common-law couples, or that most people in this country don't want to legalize gay marriage. I just want to make it illegal for anyone who disagrees with gay marriage to be able to say so in public.

I am a liberal because I believe in freedom of choice. That means that I want all women across America to be free to choose to kill their babies, and I want those who choose otherwise to just shut up about it. I believe that choice to kill is so important, that I think it's perfectly acceptable for a doctor to pierce the neck of a partially-born baby and stick a tube in the hole to suck out its brain. After all, a baby isn't a baby until it can vote.

I am a liberal because I want more government presense in my daily life. After all, when I get in trouble, the people I turn to to get me out of it is the government, so why shouldn't they run my life? Besides, they're much better at deciding how to spend my money, raise my kids and decide what kind of products I am or am not allowed to buy or eat than I am. I'm very much in favor of making the government an omnipresent entity that watches my every move, and I don't even think I should be allowed to own a gun to defend myself if they get too power-hungry! All hail Big Brother! (Note: This is only true if the Government in question is Liberal. Despite the fact that I spent eight years complaining that Bush was turning the country into the very thing I just described, I'm all for handing Obama as much power as he wants.)

I am a liberal because I care about the environment. I care so much, in fact, that I am willing to sacrifice humans in order to bring about a better environment. I believe it is paramount that we stop questioning the fact of global warming and start actively fighting against it. And if that means higher taxes and sacrificing some of our freedoms, well, heck, it's worth it to fight global warming, which unquestionably exists. Don't even talk to me about those stupid emails that were uncovered that showed leading climatologists freely discussing the falsification of their research; these guys know what they're doing and I will swallow anything they say. It's a much bigger issue that their lies were exposed by that evil, criminal hacker. We shouldn't focus on what was in the emails; we should instead find that hacker and put him to death. Those scientists are brilliant men, and a few lies from them doesn't change the fact of global warming!

I am a liberal because I truly believe that Hollywood actors and comedians are the smartest people in the world. If Sean Penn, Matt Damon, Bill Maher and Jon Stewart say something, then gosh-darn it, they must be right. I mean...they're on television.

I am a liberal because I hate George W. Bush. I'm not sure why, exactly. He...uh...took away our freedom! Like...he wiretapped people and stuff. No, I never heard of anybody being wiretapped, arrested or detained who wasn't a terrorist, but that doesn't mean he didn't have the power to do that if he wanted! And...uh...he was pro-life! Okay, so he didn't overturn Roe vs. Wade, but he wanted to! And...and...ah...he was against gay marriage! Okay, so's Obama. And Bush stumbled over his words! Only an idiot does that! All I know is that Bush was bad, Obama is good, and we've got a good president now. I mean, my sociology professor told me that Bush was evil, and he wanted to, like, take over the middle-east to get its oil. And he wouldn't lie.

I am a liberal...because I prefer to let other people do my thinking for me.